Not Every Time
by OxOx-Megz-OxOx
Summary: It wasn't always Stefan, not every time.


**_I'm sorry, about Katherine. You lost her too._**

She was the first person to understand.

Whenever Katherine was brought up, it was as if Damon had never even known her. All people talked about, was how devastating it must have been for _Stefan. _To be in love with someone, and to find out that they were a _monster. _And then, to watch them be murdered by your own _father. _It must be terrible. But do you know what's even worse? Loving someone, and having them keep you a secret, like they're ashamed. Not only that, but having to watch your own brother kissing her, holding her, and being able to do it in public, because he _could. _

But people never thought about Damon. Just because they had to keep private, to sneak around, just because he never brought it up, didn't mean he'd loved her any less. Katherine was the only person that Damon had _ever _loved, at least until a few years ago. She was everything he'd ever wanted and she'd loved him too. At least, that's what he'd thought. Because what's even worse than all of that, was then finding out that the person you loved, the person you'd spent _years _searching for, and thinking of, had never even cared about you in the first place. Of course, he hadn't known that then.

That was the night she became more than just another human to him.

And that was the night in her kitchen, Elena, a human girl of only sixteen years old, a girl who had her whole life ahead of her, and had yet to experience all these things, had understood him. Better than anyone had in _centuries._

**_People die around you, how could it not matter? It matters, and you know it!_**

She was the first person to challenge him.

Everybody else just accepted that he was a bad person, that he did bad things for no reason. She didn't. She refused to. She was the first person to try and break through the monster that everybody else saw. Because since Katherine, he hadn't let himself feel _anything. _It was too much of a risk. Because when you opened yourself up to feelings, you opened yourself up to the hurt, that came hand-in-hand with those feelings. And he didn't want that.

But Elena was the first person that made him think about _trying. _Because he wanted to prove her wrong. He wanted to show her that things _did _matter to him, and he did _care. _Maybe that's all it was, at first, just an unconscious need to be right, a side-effect of his competitive attitude. Except, somewhere along the line, it became more than that.

That was the night he became interested in her.

_**I'm trusting you, don't make me regret it.**_

She was the first person he trusted.

Even when him and Katherine were together, he'd never trusted her. He'd never even gotten _close _enough to trust her. There was always something about her that was . . . off. He never felt like he was really _seeing _her. But he'd just convinced himself that he was making it up, that it was all in his head. He allowed himself to love her, because he was scared. He was scared that he was never going to feel that way again, that it was his only chance.

He'd been right though. Because he was probably never going to feel about anyone the way he felt about Katherine, not even Elena.

Because how he felt about Elena couldn't even be _compared _to the way he'd felt about Katherine. It was so much more.

That was the night he opened himself up to the hurt.

**_It's because I love you, that I can't be selfish with you._**

She was the first person he _loved._

In all his years of living, and . . . not-living, he'd never loved anyone. Not even Katherine. He'd thought he had. He'd thought that he'd loved her. And for years, centuries even, that's what he'd gone on believing. But then he met Elena, and he found out what love _really _was.

It was pain, and hurt, it was strong, and passionate. It was being able to trust someone, _really _trust them. It was trying to protect them, even when you knew they didn't want you to, or you couldn't. It was finding beauty in even the smallest things that they did. Damon had no doubts that he loved Elena, it was the only thing that he knew for certain. Because love was also about not being afraid anymore. Not being afraid to let feelings in, and not being afraid to admit them.

And it was being able to admit that you weren't enough for them.

**_I don't deserve you. But my brother does._**

It was being able to stand by, and watch them be with someone else, because you knew that you weren't enough for them.

He didn't deserve Elena, and he probably never would. He was a bad person, who did bad things, and he knew he wasn't right for her. The two of them, it just wouldn't work. And he wanted better for her. She could do _so _much better than him. And she had, she had his brother. She had Stefan. Stefan was everything he couldn't be for her. He was loyal, he was honest, and he was what she deserved. He, Damon, wasn't.

So he stood by, and let her be with Stefan. Because it was the right thing to do by _her. _And he had to do the right thing by her, no matter how much it hurt. Because she came first, every time.

That was the night he made a sacrifice.

**_I don't want you to be what other people think you are!_**

She was the first person to believe that he could ever be anything else.

Despite everything that he'd done, and what everyone else thought, she still refused to believe that he was this person. And she was right, because he wasn't that person. He never had been. But she was the only one to see through it. Not even his own _brother _believed in him half as much as she did. Stefan only saw what everyone else did, the person that Damon pretended to be, so he didn't have to get hurt. Katherine had done the same. Maybe they weren't so different after all.

Elena saw through all of his lies, all of his pretending. She saw who he really was underneath it all, and at first, it _angered _him. To think, that some stupid, small, insignificant _human _had been the one to figure him out . . . it was humiliating, degrading, even. But then he'd come to realize she was a whole lot more than that. And she believed in him.

And in time, he came to realize that that was all he'd ever really needed. But not that night.

That was the night he was given hope.

**_I can't be what other people want me to be . . . what _she _wants me to be._**

She was the first person to ever make him question himself.

She made him _want _to be that better person, for her. And she knew it. God, did she know it. But she never used it against him, because she could see that he was _trying. _Except, there were times when trying wasn't good enough. There were times when even his love for her, wasn't enough. Times when the temptation to break, to throw the walls back up, were so mind-numbingly _strong, _that he just gave in.

But the look of disappointment on her face, always brought those walls crashing back down. Because he could never hurt her. That was the one thing, right from the beginning, that he could never do. Seeing her in pain, no matter what it was caused by, always broke his heart. She'd had to live with so much pain already for someone so young, and all he wanted was to just take it all away for her.

But that was the night he lost control.

**_I will _always _choose you._**

She was the first person that he ever put before himself.

For too long, he'd been alone. For too long, he'd had no one to worry about but himself. And then along came Elena. And suddenly, everything changed. His priorities changed. And suddenly, he found himself thinking about her, and worrying about her, constantly. Because the thought of anything happening to her . . . it was too much to bear. So he started putting her first, before anyone else. And she hated him for it.

She hated that, he'd gladly let her friends die, if it meant she would live. She hated that he'd rather die himself, than see her in pain. Because she hated the idea of someone having to die for _her. _But somehow, he found he just couldn't help himself. When it came to Elena, all of his judgement went straight out the window, and all he could think about was _her. _What she wanted, what was going to happen to her, the future she was going to have. A future that now, he put before even his own.

That was the night he accepted it as his duty.

**_I like you now, just the way you are._**

She was the first person to ask him not to change.

After all that time, convincing him that he had to be _nicer, _that he had to be _better, _she finally accepted him for who he was. And felt . . . amazing. Because it meant that all of his hard work, all the changes he'd made, for her, had not been in vain. And after hearing her say those words, he would've been happy to die right there. Heck, he had been happy to die right there. But he hadn't, and that was okay too.

Because if she never loved him, accepting him was good enough. All he'd wanted, all his life, was for someone to accept him. His father never had, and Stefan hadn't either. God knows no one in Mystic Falls had. But _she _had. And when it came to Elena, nothing and no one else mattered anymore.

That was the night he felt like he finally belonged somewhere.

**_I love Stefan. It's always going to be Stefan._**

And she was the first person to truly hurt him.

Because it was always Stefan. After everything he'd done for her, all the kindness he'd shown, the honesty, and mercy, was worth _nothing. _Because it was always going to be Stefan, and it always had been. She'd fallen for him first, and that was just the way it was. Stefan was familiar, he was safe, he was _good. _He was everything that Damon wasn't. He was everything he couldn't give to her. Stefan hadn't needed to change.

He was everything she needed, and Damon had to accept that. And he had accepted it, he really had. It was just, what was the point, in the end? What was the point of it all? If she was never going to pick him, if it was never going to be him, then what was the point in trying? Why did he not just turn it all off, and forget that he'd ever loved her in the first place? It'd be a whole lot less painful, and he wouldn't have to worry about what other people thought anymore.

But he already knew why he couldn't, because after _everything, _he still couldn't bear to disappoint her.

_**I love him, Damon. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I fell for him instantly. **_

_**Maybe I you and I had met first . . . **_

She said that if they'd met first, there was a chance she might have chosen him. And that broke his heart. But even then, she couldn't be certain. Because of _Stefan._

And really, even if she did remember that they'd met first, it wouldn't make any difference. Because she'd still love Stefan, there was no changing that. He was her one true love, and there was no way Damon was ever going to be able to get in the way of that. And he wasn't sure that he wanted to. Because she was happy with Stefan. Happy in a way that she never would be with him.

If Damon was being honest, he knew that the odds had been stacked against him from the start. Stefan was just _better_. He came into Elena's life at just the right time, and she fell in love with him. It didn't matter that Damon had come in at the _same _time, because then, Elena never would have fallen for him. He'd been broken, hollow, unfeeling. He wasn't the type of person that Elena wanted, or deserved. But then again, he didn't have any reason to be. Then she gave him a reason.

She still loved Stefan though. Even when he was the Ripper. Because in her eyes, Stefan could do no wrong. She never stopped loving him, not even for a _second. _No matter what he did, no matter where he went, she would always love him. And there was nothing Damon could do to change that. He could become the better man, he could become the person that Elena deserved, but he'd never be as good as Stefan. Because he was wrong for her. All wrong, and they both knew it.

He was never going to get the girl, he'd accepted that. So he just had to step back, and watch her be happy.

Because it was Stefan, it was _always _going to be Stefan.

_**You've been . . . a terrible person, you've made all the wrong choices, and of all the choices that I've made, this will prove to be the worst one. But I am not sorry, that I'm in love with you.**_

Except, it wasn't always Stefan, not every time.


End file.
